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That’s how many seconds you have, every day.
Everyone has the same time, but most people run out of time, all the time. Only a few people do something valuable or achieve something, though they too have the same amount of time every day.

Facing A Situation

(This post is an answer to the question asked on article : Happiness is in You )

Question : When do I face a situation & when do I adjust in a situation? What facing a situation really means?

We use the phrase ‘let’s face it’ when we state a fact or comment about something which we think the person may find unpleasant or is unwilling to admit.

Thus by saying ‘face the situation’, we have already tagged the situation as negative, unpleasant or bad.

This triggers two kinds of reactions based on the personality of the person

  1. For some, it triggers their attack mode where they get focused on defeating the situation or the person involved in it. They don’t recognise the pain & stress they need to go through while doing this. Here focus is completely on defeating a person or a situation.
  2. Others, try to show that they are fighting but internally their reaction is of defence. They try to guard and safeguard themselves because they take the situation as a threat to their existence or to their belongings. Thus their center of focus is to save themselves.

Both these mindsets, result in actions which are driven by aggression, anxiety, fear and attachments.

Spirituality teaches us that facing means

  • Not having any fear
  • Not trying to wear a mask
  • Not having any prejudices
  • Not adding labels to the situation or person
  • Seeing things as they are

Now each word above in bold is very important and needs deep understanding. I leave it to you to contemplate on it and share your thoughts in comments.  This spiritual way gives clarity of the situation and a good start for solving it.

Adjusting in the Situation

I believe adjusting and facing are not opposites. We feel that adjusting is the opposite of facing. We think that adjusting is either suppressing ourselves or running away from the situation. .

After seeing situation as it is, and not with a cooked up mind we might need to learn new skills or improve ourselves to face it. Using the correct skill, virtues at the correct time to embrace the particular situation and achieve the desired result is called real adjusting.

Here, it is important to understand and work on virtues of self such as patience, love, peace etc. which are building blocks of one’s true personality. Virtues are the real fuel for skills. But nowadays we are more focused on learning skills than our deep virtues. It’s like Nature vs Habits.

Thus, adjusting is an art which is required during and after understanding the situation. It is part of the actual plan not an alternate plan (facing situation).

Adjustment is a power, an art ,which should empower you not leave you feeling suppressed.

Bonus Tip : Without truly facing myself, I cannot face someone else 😊

How To Clear Deep Rooted Negative Emotions

Many of my patients come to me with very serious issues and it takes longer than usual to treat them. They might have gone through a traumatic experience as a child, or were humiliated in public or faced sudden death of a loved one. They find it difficult to come out of such situations. They might not recollect these situations in detail but the deep-rooted scares remain with them. Also, many patients try hard to overcome any habit such as smoking but are not able to do so. Let’s understand the reasons behind these in greater detail and also how to overcome them.

Various levels of consciousness

There are various levels of consciousness. Let’s get a quick overview of these as there is enough about these on the internet. The first is the conscious level of consciousness. If I ask you to write 30 pages of your life story you will recollect many stories that were stored at the conscious level. However, after some time you might run short of stories. Then, soon you might recollect a few stories. Then you might run short of stories. But while bathing or driving across nature you might recollect a few more stories. These were stored at the preconscious or subconscious level.

The unconscious level is deeper than this which you don’t remember at all. These are events of the past births. This creates a very big impact. We all have experienced that we do many things in our lives without our will. We may not have the desire to do what we are doing but we still land up doing it. For example smoking. If you try to control it you may succeed for a week but then you start again. You don’t want to lose temper. But something happens and you lost your calm. You may want to wake up early. You set the alarm as well. But when you finally wake up it is too late. This is because your deeper level of consciousness is not allowing you to do certain things. Or a deeper level of consciousness is pushing you to do certain things even if you don’t want to do it. There is a very easy way to come out of it. The unconscious mind has many blocks and you need to erase these blocks.

Clearing the blockages in the unconscious mind
Start practicing detachment from body sensations

Start with something very simple. Take up any sensation in your body. Some itchy body part or some pain somewhere. Now, watch that sensation as a detached observer. Don’t analyze it. Watch it peacefully. Tell yourself ‘I am just watching this sensation’. It may increase, or reduce or disappear. It is okay. Even if nothing happens it’s okay. Don’t try to change it. Don’t be in a hurry. Just watch it. However long it remains, it doesn’t matter. At the end, the sensation will disappear. The sensation might increase for a while but finally, it will disappear. If it did not disappear it means you were not a detached observer. Then choose another sensation in the body and do the same thing. Days when you have some time you can practice this for up to 20 minutes. The more you practice the more it helps.

Suppose there is some pain in any part of the body. There is a tendency to get very involved with it. Should you massage it, should you take a medicine? Start getting detached. Observe what is happening. Let it happen. Let the uncomfortable feeling remain. Don’t remind yourself that it should go. Don’t analyze. If you have a desire that it should disappear it will not. Just let it be the way it is. Once you stop getting involved with you will find that it has disappeared.

 Detach yourself from your emotions

Once you get good practice of observing the sensations in your body you can use the same method to clear deep-rooted emotions as well. For example, someone scolded you in your childhood and you have totally forgotten. Even if you try, you don’t recall them. However, the wound is there in your consciousness – lying dormant somewhere. Once in a while, it comes to the surface. And when it does it causes a lot of disturbance and leaves a lot of negative feeling. Suppose, you saw some crime scene as a child which you have totally forgotten but when that scene comes to the surface it might leave you frightened. Your heartbeat might increase, you might start perspiring and be terribly frightened. However, you may not know the reason behind it. These are stored in the deeper levels of consciousness. If the memory comes to the surface then you might feel depressed, consider yourself to be useless and hopeless. Although you may not know the actual cause. How to erase these memories? Psychotherapy can help but it might not be available all the time. At this time the practice of remaining a detached observer helps a lot. As soon as the incident from the past comes to the surface just be a detached observer and watch it. If you remain detached the force of the incident reduces. Then when the incident comes to surface the second time do the same thing. This time the force of the incident will reduce further.

Now the challenge is you do not know how often this might emerge.

Use Logic

Apart from being a detached observer use logic. For example, your friend criticized you. Immediately you use some logic that I am not accepting this. This is my friend’s perception about me. This is not the truth. Maybe my friend did not understand me or maybe he wanted to hear something else which I was not ready to give. Don’t accept, give some logic.

There is a third technique to clear deep-rooted negative emotions of your childhood or even past birth.

RWMA (Release, Witness, Meditate and Achieve) technique. 

Release: Run or jump and tell yourself that ‘let everything negative come to the surface. I don’t want to suppress anything. I want to clean all the garbage inside’. Let it come to the surface. I want to clean everything. I want everything to come to the surface’ While doing so you might recall some unpleasant incident of your life. This will cause some discomfort in the body. Maybe pain the back or heat in the head or a sinking feeling. It will leave a physical impact. This is releasing, the first step.

Witnessing: This is the second stage where you just witness this uncomfortable feeling as a detached observer. Become a detached observer. Have a deep conviction that I am in no hurry to clear it. Let it be there, even if it does not go. I am just watching it. The moment you become detached, it will reduce or disappear. Now if it disappears, it means, the force of that event has reduced.

Do this daily for 15 minutes and in a matter of 20 to 30 days, you will find yourself free from the emotion. If it does not disappear don’t get frustrated. Tell yourself that it is just a matter of time. It will go away.

Meditating: Once it has disappeared or reduced the third step is meditating. Go into deep meditation. This will relax you. Once you feel that you cannot go deeper in your meditation move to the fourth step.

Achieving: This can be done in two ways.

Suppose there was some trauma in your life and you are not able to forgive someone. In such cases after practicing releasing, witnessing and meditating tell yourself that I have risen above, I have come out of that incident, I am totally free from that incident, I am light.’ Do this for 8 weeks.

If the incident is not very traumatic, tell yourself that my life is very good, I am well settled, I have a home, I have everything, children are well settled’ etc. Remind yourself of the positive things in life.

Keep practicing this. When some painful event comes to the surface it is disturbing. But by practicing this daily you are actually cleansing your deep rooted emotions. It will really help if this is done for 8 weeks. Don’t worry about the pain which it might cause when you do it daily.

Anything and everything can be healed. All it requires is the proper technique, right practice and patience. Give yourself 8 weeks and see the results yourself.

I would love to hear your experiences so please do share your comments.

Good Luck!

Listen To Yourself Before Listening To Others

All of us live a life with a strong “Support System” which allows us to function smoothly and provides a sense of safety & security. One can define this support system in many ways, but most important component of this system is our “relationships” that we share with our immediate family, friends and society. From the time we are born till the moment we die, we constantly seek support from someone to feel secure. Why is it so? Why do we need a shoulder to lean for crying? Why do we need an ear to listen patiently to our grievances & sorrows to free ourselves from mental anguish? These questions need some soul searching indeed!

Today we live a fast paced life, where things happen so quickly that we hardly get time to sustain ourselves under one particular emotion. Our minds have become so fickle & unbalanced that one second we cry & one second we laugh. These psychosomatic disorders has increased the need for a strong support system. A need to have someone who can give their shoulders to cry on or a patient ear to listen. How can these two acts be considered as a valuable way to help others? Psychologists all over the world believe that listening to a distressed person relieves them from mental trauma and makes them completely light & burden free.

We all have experienced this many times that after sharing our problem with someone who sincerely cares about us, we often feel light & relaxed. At times we end up finding the best solution for our problems by just talking to a trustworthy companion. Hence by listening to someone, we can help them to become clear enough to find their own path and their own solutions to problems. There is a popular phrase in hindi that says ”jiska koi nahin uska toh khuda hai yaro”. This means that the one who has no one has God by his side. This is the core reason for the whole world to pray to One Almighty. We feel that our prayers are being heard by someone above who cares about us and loves us unconditionally & hence would answer our prayers.

Listening is an acquired skill

Majority of us are not born good listeners. Listening is an acquired skill that requires good amount of effort & attention on our part. To start with, we must make it a habit to speak less. Unless we speak less, we won’t be fit to listen to others. However, most of us would admit that we are always more interested in talking rather than listening. We need to check – when someone is talking to us, are we listening or are we busy thinking about our reply? If we are busy thinking about replying ,then we are definitely going to miss something that the person wants to say or something that they are expressing non-verbally through their body language. Sometimes we also tend to interrupt when someone is sharing their feelings with us. We often interrupt to contradict or to give our own point of view. But we forget that when we interrupt someone, that person may feel they have not been able to express what they had to say or perhaps that their point of view is not important to us. As a result they may feel disrespected and they would not open up to us & their feelings would remain within them. So the best way is “just listen” quietly and built the confidence level of the person who has invested their trust in us. Hence to truly listen to someone needs a good & strong “will power”.

Who can become a good listener

One cannot be a good listener with any kind of preconceived notions about the opposite person. If we become prejudiced against the person, whether it be through past experience with that person or for any other reason, then it would be a hindrance in the whole process and our relationship would come under a huge strain because of this lack of understanding. This is the very cause of much conflict in the world today, be it on personal level or diplomatic levels. At some level or another we all experience that we suffer badly due to our grudges and opinions from the past continuing into the present.That’s why  when we see someone with whom we had a disagreement a few days ago, that feeling of revenge comes back and we start feeling uneasy talking to him or her. Under such a  situation just to ‘forgive and forget’ may sound fine but is it really possible? Again it needs a big heart to do so.

The unique art of “Self Listening” offers a very simple yet effective technique to help quieten and clear our minds. The idea is to take a few moments to be still & visualize ourselves as a star-like entity in the centre of  forehead & allow ourselves to slow down and experience our original innate qualities of peace, love &  happiness. Practicing this technique for a few times a day can make a huge difference in our lives. It would give us a chance to create inner silence, listen to our own thoughts as they emerge &  to get in touch with our true self. By listening regularly to what is going on in our mind, gives us a chance to ‘check and change’ our negative tendencies. Hence when we learn to listen to self, only then we can listen to others and naturally talk when it is necessary. So, start listening to yourself, become compassionate to others & heal the world.

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